   Valentine’s Day has become romantic love’s apocalypse now. I really don’t know when this happened, but I know when I became aware that people were treating Valentine’s Day as a day of doom.
   About ten years ago, I was working at home and decided to head out to Wholes Food to pick up something to cook for dinner. Not being in a romantic relationship, I was not paying attention to the particulars of the day. But when I got to Wholes Food I knew something was going on because the parking lot was full. It was only11:30 or so in the morning.Â
   Finally I found a place to park and wandered into the store and holy smoke, the place was packed with nervous men. The store had set up three different lines where men could buy only one thing; flowers. Looking to the front of the line, looking at a time piece, these men’s faces were filled with tension.
   I got out of there. I headed down to Quail Ridge Books, my favorite bookstore. And lo and behold there were more men. This time they were standing in front of the greeting card section. One man was beside himself, saying to one of the clerks, “Is this all you have?â€Â With polite tension in her voice, the clerk replied, “You understand sir that today is Valentine’s Day and people buy cards in advance.â€Â That didn’t help the guy; he continued to look in anguish, sweat on his brow.
   What the hell, I thought, is going on? When did Valentine’s Day turn into a day for the wailing and gnashing of teeth? I realized that something had changed.
   Not long after I stumbled upon and read Barbara Whitehead’s book, “Why There Are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman.â€
   Disregard the first part of the title because that is not what the book is about. In a way, we should also disregard the second part of the title because the book is about the plight of anyone, woman or man, who is seeking a long lasting romantic relationship. You see, in her book, Dr. Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University showed that there has been a major shift in the way society manages romantic interpersonal relationships. That shift has been from a marriage-dating-system to a relationship-dating-system.
   The marriage system was meant to bring two never-married-single people together for life-long marriage. That system had courtship expectations and rules. Almost unnoticed by us in our everyday life, American society has moved away from that system and created a new system; the relationship-dating system.
   And how does this new system work. Very simply, the relationship-dating system is designed to make sure people have intimate relationships. That’s the end of the sentence. People, never-married or not, are expected to have intimate relationships, but not necessarily marriage, and certainly not life-long marriage. In the relationship-dating system, there are no courtship expectations and rules, and break ups are expected. I mean come on, how long can two people be expected to stay together… get real.
  No courtship expectations or rules… so no wonder that today dating motivations are all over the place. Once I understood the claim of a shift I began to discuss this idea in my general social psychology course. To get into that discussion I ask students, “What are the goals of dating, nowadays?â€Â Every time I do this I get a flood of responses. What are the goals of dating nowadays? Here are some of the unedited responses I get:
   To have fun…                    Â
 For money…                    Â
 Out of pity…
   To learn…         To find your soulmate      Â
  To get help with homework…      Â
  To have a servant…        Â
 For serious reasons…       Social pressure…
 To feel better
  For something to do…      To have a servant…      Â
  To fit in…
  Companionship…             For gifts…                       Â
  To kill time    Fear of being alone…     Â
  To please family…            Â
  To acclimate to a new situation…
  To get a free meal…    To gain status…                Â
  To meet people…    To gain experience… Â
   To find out who you are… To rebel against family…
  To experience interest…   To have a Valentine…  Â
  To get transportation…    Â
   To get over past relationships…
   Yikes…dating motivations are all over the place nowadays. Remember these responses come from 200, nineteen and twenty year old college students. And marriage is not mentioned in this list. And the reason is we are living in a relationship-dating system. That is also why people today say that marriage is not necessary for a good life. That is also why having a baby is now disconnected from marriage. As put by Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania, “Marriage has become a luxury good.â€
  So in the relationship-dating system which provides no clear ways to show our partners that we really care, without that context, way too much hangs on Valentine’s Day. Things are so loose now, that what were normal expectations are now extreme. Acts of love have to be overblown. If they aren’t, they are a deal breaker. Valentine’s Day becomes our day of romantic apocalypse.Â
February 20th, 2012 at 11:46 AM
This is a really great blog. Thx to the auther
February 21st, 2012 at 2:19 PM
Just found your blog Dr. Nacoste. I took your Social Psych and Interpersonal Relationships and Race classes when I attended State. These were by far my favorite classes. Loved reading this blog because it reminded me of your Valentine’s Day lecture. I tried to explain to my girlfriend how this day was suppose to be only about her and not about me … she didn’t buy in
Really enjoy the blog! Wish I could still attend your classes! Take care.
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