Radioactive love; so many people carry that around in their heads as the ideal, romantic relationship.  A love that burns so hot that it may as well be a nuclear reactor.

  What bullshit!

     It is that kind of naïve, romantic belief about relationships that I confront and dismantle in my teaching about relationships.  Yes, a healthy, romantic relationship should have heat; hot-love, passionate sexual attraction; but not radioactive because we humans do not know how to control radioactivity.  Real love, healthy love, requires control because to love means to be able to fit our emotions into what the relationship requires.

     One of my favorite stand-alone lectures to give is the one I call, “What if the requirements of love are not the requirements of the relationship?”

     So let’s talk about the four requirements of the relationship.

     First requirement: the relationship must develop over time and circumstances; you cannot rush the evolution of the relationship.

     Getting a phone number, does not make it a relationship.

     Being kissed does not make it a relationship.

     Having sex does not make it a relationship.

     Here’s the problem.  Generally speaking, when people think they are in love, they immediately make this mistake.

     They say stuff like:

She’s great; I love everything about her.

He’s wonderful: I love everything about him.

     Problem:  They are still at the beginning of what might become a relationship; so they don’t know everything about him or her.

     That’s why we can end up so angry. At the beginning of the month we say, “I love everything about him or her.”  At the end of that same month we say:

 He’s a jerk.

She’s a … ok, she’s so selfish.

     It is as if the person has betrayed us by being who they really are. But the truth is we tried to rush things. 

     You see, relationships must evolve.  And the basis of the evolution of any interpersonal relationship is social interaction; interacting with that person, repeatedly, over time and different circumstances.  Until we have done that, we do not have a relationship.

     You cannot make a relationship grow by just being nice; you cannot make a relationship grow by partying together; you cannot make a relationship grow simply by spending all your time together; you cannot make a relationship grow by having lots of really good sex.

     Why not?; second requirement of relationships.

     Second requirement: the force that causes relationship development is conflict; relationships cannot develop without encountering and managing conflict.

     She wants to go the tractor pull and he wants to go the opera. 

     What do you do? 

     Interpersonal conflicts must occur for the relationship to grow.  Why?  Because without those kinds of conflicts, you never get to know who the other person really is, and you never get to know what they are or are not willing to adjust to for the relationship.

     So you must not hide your preferences.  You know the situation; you’ve lived it.  The question is asked, “…what do you want to do,” and the answer comes, “I don’t know what do you want to do.”

     Why is that so annoying?

     Because the person is hiding from you or you are hiding from them.

     And you are both lying.

     Always saying, “yes dear” is a sure relationship killer.  Why; because it’s hiding.

     Always saying, “…it doesn’t matter to me, I just want to be with you…” is a sure relationship killer.  Why; because it’s hiding and lying.

     Relationships cannot grow without honest self-disclosures.  Hiding your preferences stops the relationship from evolving.

     The third requirement of the relationship that we must understand is that the management of conflict will either cause the relationship to grow or will kill the relationship on the spot. 

     If any member of the couple decides to blow off a preference of their partner, the relationship is dead.  If you say “oh you don’t really mean that,” the relationship is dead.

     People you want to have relationships with had their preferences before they met you.  People do not spring into existence, just because you get interested.  Mostly they were doing fine… and you just showed up and now you want to object to their preferences.  So, if their preference is not illegal, immoral, dangerous or stinky, when you object then you show that it’s all about you having your way. 

     And that brings us to the fourth requirement of relationships. The fourth requirement of the relationship is this; the proper management of conflict requires each partner to listen for and adapt to the strengths and limitations of their partner.

   If your partner says to you, as the Tracy Chapman song says,

 “I told that I love you and there ain’t no more to say…”

     …you need to hear that as part of who they are and how they can or are willing to express themselves.  If you want or need someone to keep proving their love to you and the person says to you “I have told you that I love you and there ain’t no more to say…” then you have to hear and understand that limitation. If you can’t accept that, the way they are, don’t expect them to change for you.  That means you need to move on. 

     Walk the hell away.

     Listen, we all know that people do try to stick with a relationship because of what they imagine to be the requirements of radioactive love.  But heat is not the most powerful force holding a relationship together.  The most powerful force is adaptation; partners adapting to the strengths and limitations of each other.

     No real relationships are without conflicts. So the point is to be in a relationship that you and your partner believe is worth adapting too.  Since the requirements of your radioactive-love are never going to fit the requirements of the relationship, you must always decide what you are willing to do for the relationship.  If you decide that you cannot adapt to your partner’s strengths and limitations, then get out quickly.  Don’t linger, because lingering will almost always lead to a destructive relationship; a relationship in which at least one person in the relationship is subject to physical or psychological harm.

     Yes it was hot-love at first; radioactive love. Yet it was love without a willingness to learn and adapt to the person we said we loved.  It was radioactive at first sight… but what if the requirements of your heat are not the requirements of the relationship? 

    What then?

     With some frequency I give this talk to college students.  And during the last six summers, I have come out of hiding to give this talk to high school students attending North Carolina’s Governor’s School East held at Meredith College in Raleigh. When I give this talk to 15 and 16 year olds, I rock the house.

  

     After my talk in the Summer 2011, one of the students, Julius Kellinghusen, wrote it up for the Governor’s School East newsletter.  With the title of the article being “Doctor Love speaks out on teen romance and relationships” he ended his write up saying:

    “While being both caring and frightening, Dr. Nacoste and his lessons will be remembered for many years to come. So when you’re in that illegal, immoral, dangerous, or maybe even stinky relationship—just remember: ‘Get up and walk the HELL away.’”

    Apparently at Governor’s School East, they call me “Dr. Love.”

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10. Savannah Keith Says:
    September 4th, 2014 at 2:37 PM

    Hello Dr.Love,

    My name is Savannah Im a former student at Morse High School In Bath,Maine. This is a very informal way of getting a hold of you; But with that in mind I also just found you while searching the web asking the “Requirements of the Relationship”. Im 19 years old and Im asking myself this because I say things like “I don’t know, what do you want to do” ” whatever you want to do.” and “Hes a punk (jerk)” “But I love him”. We’ve be in a Titled relationship for Two months. I know we love each other. I know Im will to do the things he likes as well as the things I do. Except swimming, Which I love.. But he cant swim. You gave me a wake up call In what I read and I’m going to start working on my negative behaviors as well as confronting my concerns with him. Because before we became a Titled Relationship, I feel that neither of us felt there was Requirements.

    ~~~~~~

    So My High School Has a Freshman Awareness Day! My 14 year Old brother will be attending this! Along with many young minds Id love you to enlighten. Our town is Very Kind,and Welcoming place, to be so bold. . But like any town Everyone could us Wake Up call. I Want my brothers generation to here a little of what you have to say.

    If you interested PLEASE Contact Me on my Personal Email. My Nick name is Na-na, to explain my email. | xnaneex14@gmail.com |

    Or My Phone ( 1-207-844-1598 )

    Morse High School
    826 High Street
    Bath, ME 04530
    Ph: 207-443-8250
    Fax: 207-443-8268

    Morse Website.

    (http://www.rsu1.org/school_home.aspx?schoolid=1)